Power Slide \m/

2010-06-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

goodbye, goodbye.. time to leave this behind..

www.mirrorcrisis.tumblr.com

2010-03-31T03:24:00.000-07:00

looking at the last entry, it's been more than a year since i've updated. accidentally clicked on my blog's link and found that people are still reading it. and i wonder why.. it's only filled with nothing more than inputs of my boring and doleful mindtrips that never got me anywhere.

a lot has happened over the year and given my cluttered memory i can't recall it all at once. but i shall share it briefly. i found out about a condition in my body by accident when i went for a check up for another reason. its not a gravely illness, but it has impeded a lot on what i can do in the future, and also im at a much higher risk for certain chronic illnesses. i was put on medication for it, i tried sticking to it for quite sometime, then it got too expensive and i was experiencing too much side effects so i stoppped it, and stopped following up with the specialist altogether. i try not to think about it, and now that ive just mentioned it i feel pretty damned depressed again. speaking of depression, i seeked psychiatrist help too, and was put on medication which didnt leave me any happier, nor sadder, just really indifferent, i didn't think i was human. after sometime i decided to stop it as well. i got pretty sick twice last year i couldnt eat for a week each time and survived on a banana a day. once in a while i still get sick but dont last that long anymore, maybe just a day or two. moving on, ive gotten in and out of relationships here and there in a very disorderly fashion which caused a lot of trouble and me and parties, yada yada, in a nutshell im in a relationship of almost one year now with a nice guy, we're not always stable, but we're trying to make things work, by learning and giving. i'm still working in the hospital, i hardly get time to rest, busy times, and i get headaches very often which makes it really uncomfortable to work, but im hoping that my health would improve so that maybe i can start getting happier too.

meh, that's all for now, id try to update again. thanks for popping by to say hi ;)

2009-01-03T00:55:00.000-08:00

A pretty and wistful song by George Harrison..

Never slept so little
Never smoked so much
Lost my concentration I could
even lose my touch
Talking to myself
Crying out loud
Only I can hear me
I'm stuck inside a cloud

I made some exhibition
I lost my will to eat
The only thing that matters to me is to
touch your lotus feet
Talking to myself
Crying out loud

Only I can hear me
I'm stuck inside a cloud
Talking to myself
Crying out loud
Only I can hear me
And i'm stuck inside a cloud

Talking to myself
Crying out loud
Only I can hear me
I'm stuck inside a cloud

Never been so crazy
But I've never felt so sure
I wish I had the answer to give
Don't even have the cure

Just talking to myself crying as we part
Knowing as you leave me
I also lose my heart
Talking to myself crying as we part
Knowing as you leave me
I also lose my heart

2008-12-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

i'd like to think that im an angsty kid who's just depressed about everything, but no. and then i'd like to think that i'm just a kid sick in my head that maybe drugs would get me straight again, but no. imagine, your whole entire miserable life your brains are just swollen with your own conflicting thoughts, you try to explain it to people who might possibly understand, and you end up no where in the end. dissapointing. and constantly this happens, so much so that you've pretty much given in to the fact that no one would probably understand ever, or at least try to understand the struggle you go through. and then you just give up. day in and out you live in your own world, your lonely, but so what, it's been like that the whole time anyways. i find people so hopeless, and i find myself so helpless.

2008-12-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

never thought i'd go through this, or at least so soon, i'm definately falling into depression like 2 years back.. will prozac help this time. will beer and fags help this time. will i help myself this time. i highly doubt so. i've tried crawling out of this, but like sinking into quicksand, it's pretty futile.. i've always been the average kid, never too smart, never too pretty, never too lucky. yes, im having thoughts of dying in a traffic accident again. you think im silly. but no, i merely just do not treasure life as much. show me a point of living. prove to me that it could be worthwhile. i tried living for myself, and then i tried living for others, i've lost the drive that's needed.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love[repeat]

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I waste everyday

2008-10-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

alright, my one week of leave. it's mid week already, i don't feel rested at all. been out around singapore, staying over at different hotels (my my, The Sentosa Resort was the best) eating a little too much, drinking a little too often. Now i'm seated here with another pint of beer, can't wait to drop off to bed later, before another long day over at sentosa tomorrow.

and i'm skipping halloween this year. all these hype amongst friends has gotten me tired and weary enough. double O and zouk? with the music and mostly the crowd i hate, i don't know why i didn't give any second thoughts before agreeing to go. maybe it's because i've always wanted to dress up as a clown. but on the 4th and 5th thought, being a clown would not make me any happier if i stay at a place i really dislike. aiyah. sorry guys. sorry. sorry. i'd save my red wig and nose, and suspenders and bow tie for some other time, like your birthday. i'd be a birthday clown. kthxbye.. hehehe.. sorry sireeeeeeee

2008-10-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

hello you. there, i've got the harddisk and RAM changed, now im back on the line.. sadly my previous files weren't retrievable, all the 10GB of songs and tons of precious pictures i've collected over time are lost, like that. 2012 - won't you kindly send me Weezer again when i've gotten my Live Messenger fixed? thank you..

been sick these coupla days. throat infection and all. gotten MC.. it's a long weekend, only worked for 3 days this week.. hehe.. overdosed myself with vitamin Cs (3600mg per day) to try to get my health back. i'm much better now, still coughin though, and the nose's still running..

very nice, very nice..

2008-10-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

My laptop of 3 years has finally broken down on me two nights ago. The hard disk made the 'death-rattle' and wouldn't load, and then so i opened up to see what was the matter, but found no fault.. oh how grievous.. *mourns..

what am i to do. some nice soul please buy me a new one? i'd be eternally grateful to you. and i will buy you beer, and plant you a warm wet kiss on your forehead. thanks..

2008-09-30T02:01:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of possibilities in life, many expected, even much more, eleatory, that i'm fully aware of.. but such a thing like this, i can never imagine.. us being just soulmates would be considered being way underrated. what was being experienced, and are still constantly felt, even until now, can be hardly put to words. that no humanity could ever comprehend. the only dreary fact is that, it is almost impossible between us both..

i want so much, to tell the world about you, how captivated and smitten i am with you, and watch everyone's unsurpassed face and emotions overwhelmed with amazement and bewilderment, about it all..

oh all i want..

2008-09-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

my apologies for the scarcity of updates again (as if there might be any fervent readers out there).. life has been pretty much revolving around work and fun lately. work, is as usual.. mundane.. humdrum. i only cannot wait for my probation to be over, which will be in roughly a month's time. outside of that, i have been hanging around and about with friends, very much enjoyable, especially with chan. that dear friend of mine has just sent me 11 bottles of beers to my home earlier on, of different assortment, mostly ciders. had a good time drinking them with my father. my my. i can't thank him enough for the wondrous drinks that he has introduced me to. very very endearing..

i know this entry will sound very incomplete.. sorry sorry.. my eyes are shutting on its own.. good night..

2008-07-30T00:40:00.000-07:00

there, i couldn't be more in love with the term 'ockham's razor'. life cannot be more intricate than that. when you're stuck between different notions, pick the simpler one, it's usually the answer. but contradictorily, i find myself constantly struggling with accepting certain things the way they are.

2008-07-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

it's alright, it'll be ok.. keep telling yourself that, maybe you'd eventually pull yourself out from hell, and make it through the day..

much has happened over the course of days i haven't been updating. i don't where to begin, should i start at all? maybe, but maybe not now.

as for today, i took an mc, because i was feeling sore all over. gotta get back to work tomorrow, oh how dreadful. caught the dark knight earlier on. downright psychotic, unhinging, and whoo, mind fucking. heath ledger oh heath ledger. catch it, guys.

guess i'm done here. haven't intended to make any updates at all in the first place, but what the heck, at least i did something about the stagnancy here! kthxbye.

2008-06-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

my first new case yesterday. he came back pretty stable after the operation. i nursed him closely, making sure i didn't make a mistake. then i received news that he died today. his graft burst, he bled, they opened up his chest to do a manual resuscitation on his heart. i couldn't understand why. his blood pressure was fine all along. there shouldn't be a reason why he should die. i hope his family is fine.

howell. lets hope no others would slip and tumble into his fate the next time i lay hands on a new patient.

2008-06-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

yes, i've noticed the scarcity of my updates, reason being because life has been humdrum of late. and mundane. and boring. and static. it's hardly bearable. i barely have a chance for beer because of my job (well even though i had 4 cans last sunday, but i had to wait 2 weeks to lay hands on it!). HAAAIIIIZZZZ.

Work is catching up pretty fast, and i'm trying hard to pace up along with it. There's still plenty to learn, plenty to do, but so little time to spare.

k lahs, nothing more to say. bye.

2008-05-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Session 2 yesterday. did some backgrounds and thickened some of the outlines. 3hours, got me all zonked out and pale. got the fever and the nauseousness again, but panadol did the trick. and it's the start of the healing process all over again.

got pretty stoked when elson said he hopes i can get it done by end of september cuz he wants to send my piece for competition over at the london convention then.

so work was fine, on training, so got to slack a lot. hah!

k bye bye.

2008-04-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

hi. it doesn't matter anymore that it's the weekends. now that i only look forward to my day off from work, i've lost track of which day of the week it is already. and it gets quite frustrating when i constantly think that today is a tuesday when it's a sunday.

work has been alright by far. i get very forgetful too many a times though. might have been all the alcohol that has ingested the cells in my brain. i want to attain the godly power to learn fast and anticipate outcomes. i want to be God's third cousin, Oddyseus. okay what am i talking about.

Actually, i just want to drink beer. I miss strongbow.

2008-04-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

eh hello. just got back from work. will be working for the next 9 days, which makes it 10 days in a row of work, which is a freakin assrape. and i hate my scrubs (they didn't have enough uniform, so they made me wear a gray scrubs). i don't wanna look like a doctor. i want that cute scrubs that nurses wear. haha.

and i'm like on afternoon shift tomorrow, so i can sleep late tonight. hoyeah.

k thanks for reading. bye.

2008-04-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

hell o. it's a new week, and it means more work. and i can't sleep, and that means i'd get killed repeatedly later on, again. i enjoyed the weekend a lot, really. won't explain further, but really i do.

managed to book a session on the 5th. had to personally ask 2 guys to give me the slot. they're so nice, and i'm so lucky. so there. so gonna fuckin die on that day. so bless me.

alright later. ;)

2008-04-10T00:31:00.000-07:00

monday was the first day of work. 4 days of orientation, tomorrow will be the last. out of these days, i 'ponteng-ed' midway for two of the days, yesterday and today. but don't you worry, i'd stay focused when 'real' work begins, and hopefully manage to get my ass scraped through for the next 3 years.

body's still not adjustted to see the morning sun, or any sun at all. i feel alive at night and pretty listless in the day. got my body ill last 2 days because of the lack of rest, but i'm feeling all better right now.

so work's began and ryk's gettin into navy in a couple hour's time.

2008-04-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

last night left me with a crappy feeling and a swollen and bruised left ankle. went down to harry's for my last pint of strongbow(because who knows when i'd ever have the chance to go down again). then we headed to bar celona for absinth, but unfortunately it was sold out so we headed back to harry's for the next best thing, bacardi 151 and another pint of strongbow. tried to get into double O for some cheap booze but the door bitch didnt allow me to go in with my slippers, so we headed over to zouk instead. the fun began there. i can't remember how much i drank, but i remember kissin lillian(aaron's gf) all over cuz she was oh so sweet. god, i told you i'm not totally straight. danced a hell lot, tried to sweat out the alcohol. and shahrul's hot. haha.

so like i'm gonna start work tomorrow. what a cruel world. wish me all the luck you can wish me. kthxbye.

2008-04-01T01:12:00.000-07:00

this absinth thing really screwed me over. had almost two shots but i see no green fairy. but it was fun watching the two idiots making a fool of themselves. hah.

my biological clock's more screwed up now. slept at 2pm and woke up at 8pm just now. one week left. time is running out.

2008-03-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

so it's less than 2 weeks before i get into the dreadful life of work. let's say i've done what's needed to be done and said whats needed to be heard this 2 months of holidays, and corrected my life in a way i've always wanted it to go since the past two years. and so i hope when my working life gets into the way of most of my time, things will remain as good as they are now, or get even better.

A7X - A Little Piece Of Heaven
Before the story begins, is it such a sin,
For me to take what's mine, until the end of time?
We were more than friends, before the story ends,
And I will take what's mine, create what
God would never design

Our love had been so strong for far too long,
I was weak with fear that
Something would go wrong,
Before the possibilities came true,
I took all possibility from you
Almost laughed myself to tears,
Conjuring her deepest fears

Must have stabbed her fifty f**king times,
I can't believe it,
Ripped her heart out right before her eyes,
Eyes over easy, eat it, eat it, eat it

She was never this good in bed
Even when she was sleepin'
Now she's just so perfect I've
Never been quite so f**king deep in
It goes on, and on, and on,
I can keep you lookin' young and preserved forever,
With a fountain sprayed on your youth whenever

'Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it's not your time
But bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it's over but it's just begun
But baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let's make a new start
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

Now possibilities I'd never considered,
Are occurring the likes of which I'd never heard,
Now an angry soul comes back from beyond the grave,
To repossess a body with which I'd misbehaved

Smiling right from ear to ear
Almost laughed herself to tears

Must have stabbed him fifty f**king times
I can't believe it
Ripped his heart out right before his eyes
Eyes over easy
Eat it, eat it, eat it

Now that it's done I realize the error of my ways
I must venture back to apologize from somewhere far beyond the grave

[A Little Piece Of Heaven lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I gotta make up for what I've done
'Cause I was all up in a piece of heaven
While you burned in hell, no peace forever

'Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it's not your time
But bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it's over but it's just begun
But baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let's make a new start
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

I will suffer for so long
(What will you do, not long enough)
To make it up to you
(I pray to God that you do)
I'll do whatever you want me to do
(Well then I'll grant you one chance)
And if it's not enough
(If it's not enough, If it's not enough)
If it's not enough
(Not enough)
Try again
(Try again)
And again
(And again)
Over and over again

We're coming back, coming back
We'll live forever, live forever
Let's have wedding, have a wedding
Let's start the killing, start the killing

Do you take this man in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(Yes, I do.)
Do you take this woman in death for the rest of your unnatural life?
(I do)
I now pronounce you...

'Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it's not your time
But bye, bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it's over but it's just begun
But baby don't cry

You had my heart, at least for the most part
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let's make a new start
'Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

2008-03-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

so like i quit the job at the spa after 4 days of work. the supervisor was a bitch who couldn't speak proper english and yaks nonstop to her other colleagues in cantonese. i can't believe that a reputable spa would actually hire those cunts. obviously she got very mad at me for quitting but i couldn't give a flying fuck.

and then, yesterday was my first session. 4 hours of brutal torture with no pity. hurt like a bitch at my sides. but im happy with the outcome. guess my next session would be a month away. almost passed out in the train on the way back, but thankfully deryk was with me. ah, i will never forget.

2008-03-10T03:28:00.000-07:00

hell o, again. got myself a job at some spa at paragon, ridiculously underpaying job (5bucks/hr), but beats sitting at home with nothing to do, or hanging out wasting money and all. will be working a 12 days in total, and it should earn me enough for a session. hah. i'm so stoked. can't wait to see what the artist has done.

ok, so it's about 8 and a half hours to work and i should be hitting the sack. let's hope i can get some sleep soon.

2008-02-28T21:37:00.000-08:00

so the past few days have been rather uneventful. Besides being out, i've been at home watching videos and surfing up wikepedia and certain body modification websites so i won't waste my brains away.

and i'd thought that most the friends, or aquaintances of whom i know, has existed in this earth for an adequate number of years to attain a level of maturity at least enough not to behave like a rotten child. clearly one of you(by that, i know who you are) need a couple more years for that, and maybe a few more years to grow a spine as well.

2008-02-23T05:12:00.000-08:00

hi, i'm just back from a day's out. i'm supposed to be feeling tired and all and should already be hitting the sack, but i just can't. bad body clock. wenta MOS earlier tonight, and i'd never like to go back again, even to any other clubs. i hated the music and crowd, and i should never make myself do that again. and if you're questioning 'then why did i go in the first place', well it's because of friends. hah.

i feel sad. i feel inadequate. i feel like crap. i feel like my mere existence is to put the people around me first, before myself. i feel obliged to do that, and that is making me feel really depressed, but yet i have not the guts to turn things around and start thinking for myself once.

i miss my past, i've missed the dear innocence that i've once held on to.

and i think i might have a bit too much to drink earlier on, that the screen looks askewed nomatter how i adjust my head. but i'm still sober, nevertheless.

2008-02-15T17:43:00.000-08:00

we broke up last night. finally after a year and a half i've decided to start putting back my life back into shape. a little too late and a little too much ruins to handle, but still it's better late than never.

2008-02-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

i slept way too late and woke up way to early today, ho well, it's the holidays, why do i need so much sleep for. i guess there's just way too much in my mind that it impedes my sleep hours and turn them into sleeplessness, even though i'm like damned tired. just like how the past two days have been as well.

2008-01-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

just 2 more weeks, i'd be out of that unfavourable place. i've grown to feel more uneasy with the people around there, and have already dread to see the masqueraded faces. perhaps this is what they call the 'real-world' they've all been warning me about, not that i've never expected it, i really do, but the air of pretence and tenseness has suffocated me for quite sometime that i think perhaps i'm not suited out for that ward. of course, i'd miss a handful of them who has been genuine, like nora, and especially geraldine. but she'd be leaving end of this month, how sad.

i've learnt a lot from this ward nevertheless, and i'm proud to say that i really did. much more that i have ever learnt in these 3 years of studies that i've ever done, and so much so that the past experiences were as good as being useless. the past three months of prcp has been intense, the level of stress that i've experienced was sacred, i feel like crying when i think about it sometimes.

i'd most likely get to know where i'd be starting work at this thursday, i'd either be staying in this ICU, if not back to the general wards, which means, i have to readapt again. i'm half hearted about everything right now, so whatever the outcomes are, let's hope that it's for the best.

2008-01-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

i have conjunctivitis. i have 2 days of MC, am on the 2nd day of it. I have to replace them on 2 saturdays, which is such a prick in the butt. My left eye is pink, but uncute. I still don't think it is conjunctivitis, it's just some eye that looks infectious, but isn't. i can't wait to see my beautiful pair of eyes again.

dammit. why man, why.

2007-12-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

belated merry christmas and an advanced happy new year to all, if anyone is still reading this cruddy blog o' mine. i don't find a meaning to this blog anymore, but i feel a need to express myself to something somehow.

honestly speaking, i'm quite exhausted at this point in time. also i'm quite unsure if i'd make it through the next five weeks of prcp. it's certaintly not easy here in the icu.

well, hope for the best, prepare for the worse. afterall, what's the worse, i'd get sent back to the general wards, lohs.

2007-12-20T23:10:00.000-08:00

hey ho. 6th week man, bloody fuck, can't wait for it to be over. i'm still surviving pretty alright, though i have to go through constant stress at work from all the questions they throw and shitnits they expect me to perform.

havin a massive headache, i think it might be the menses that's about to arrive. tsk.

sigh, pray for me please, to pass out in this icu, haha. i feel upset for a friend who was warned that if she doesnt improve she'd have to be sent back to the general wards. bloody fuck, pray for her too.

2007-12-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

it's the 4th week into prcp, thankfully i'm still alive. things are goin on pretty fine except for some shitnits that happened here and there.

i must say i've done and learnt a lot here in icu, much more than i can do so at the general wards. the staffs here are generally nice, except for a small handful of them which are a pain in the butt. i wouldn't have mind them if they were strict and fierce with their good reasons, but for those handful, they're just unreasonably mean. everytime i lay sight on them, i could only see their fat sorry assholes gettin sodomnized by broken beer bottles.

just for example today, i got scolded for serving milo(with no sugar) to a diabetic patient. for bloody fuck's sake, anything a diabetic eats will raise his blood sugar level, are you trying to say that we shouldn't serve them food because food(rice, vege, yada) raises their bloody sugar too. tsk.

alright, i hope for greater weeks ahead. tata.

2007-11-21T19:10:00.000-08:00

i hope i can still remain sane by the end of this posting. hah. 11 and a half weeks more to go. all the best to the rest of you out there. work hard, you guz can make it, you guz can last.

2007-10-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

I'd be posted to a cardiothoracic ICU for my prcp, meaning i'd be passing out as an ICU nurse! hoyeah.

anyways, geron posting these 3 weeks and i'm trying to learn as much as i can so that prcp will be a breeze. right now, it's no longer a matter of waiting for time to pass so that we can go home, but rather, learning and completing as much as i can before time runs out on me. i feel that i have way too much to learn still. this is the first time i'm trying so hard, so hopefully i'd reap a whole lot out of it. haha.

to all on ur last posting before ur prcp, pester the hell out of ur staff nurses and trouble them like fuck. that's the only way in which u can learn, trust me. hah.

2007-09-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

i've been home for one and a half days and it gave me a massive headache. i think i might have some brain tumours or sumfin in my head.

boyfriend's gone to another island to serve the nation.

aiyahs, crap.

2007-08-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

i don't give a flying fuck.

2007-08-26T00:37:00.000-07:00

i would never have gone to your extend to do such a thing over a minor issue.

so much for being a friend for like what 5 or 6 years.

kthxbye.

2007-08-21T01:37:00.000-07:00

so like everything's been pretty much revolvin around studies, exams and books. last paper will be on thursday, and hopefully i won't have to take any sub papers.

sanctity is a pretty good band i've just found out. check out their album or sumfin, they've only got one. expecially the song beneath the machine.

i've had too little beer since god knows when and i quite miss the times when i lose my soberity and get knocked out silly. i have two cans left in my cupboard and one is already expired. c'mon, some motherfucker should ask me out for some drink sometime real soon during my holidays. or maybe i'd just do some self-pity drinking in my room once exams are over, which is in like 3 days' time.

and like grey's anatomy is back on channel 5 every wed at 10.30pm. hoyeah.

nothing much else to write about.. bye bye..

2007-08-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

my days are pretty much dull and uninteresting. there isn't much i can think of that is worth to pen down here.

i've watched simpsons, knocked up, and transformers(yes, like finally) in the recent and i must say transformers' like the best damned movie of the year, or one of the best. knocked up was like ok, i like it because it starred katherine heigl, one of the actresses from grey's anatomy. she's so god damned pretty. and simpsons was pretty funny. slightlier funny than their regular episodes.

exams are coming, which means my days left in school are numbered. slike, my career as a student is finishing, and im going out to do some seriously boring work at the hospital. it's quite depressing i must say. talk about a 6 day week job, 24hours shift work, no public holidays off and all the shitnits. tsk tsk tsk.

bye.

2007-07-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

i have not before exhibited as much anger as i did earlier on. i hit my sister. you see, my sis takes my things(and anyone else's things in the house) ALL the time, and never asks. and then when you ask for it back from her, she will deny that she took anything at all, and she goes around destroying all your stuffs. so i got tired of it, and everytime she took my stuffs i'd take something of hers.

and so she found stuffs missing today and got angry at me. we shouted at each other and stuffs and like an unconditioned reflex, i lifted my right arm and swung it right at her face. hah. i've never felt that good.

then later at night she started goin crazy again talking shit about me so i got madder this time. i pulled her hair, then she retaliated and wanted to kick me. that really enraged me and i think i went berserk, i pulled her right out of the bed and wanted to throw myself at her. she thought i was jokin and started laughin and so i pulled her right up and slapped her another time. then the fight began. mind you, im not bullying anyone here, she's like my size and height now, and she's a black belt too, so technically we're in a fair game. she tried to punch me and stuffs, but really, she wasnt a match. i was walloping her all the time. and it ended when my dad stormed into the room. hah. then she got scolded. everyone in the house has probably anticipated for this day to come, for someone to really lay a bloody hand on her, because she's the biggest motherfucking cheebye you'd ever encounter in your entire plus 238 lifetimes.

really, the next time you think you have an annoying sibling, think about mine. hah.

2007-06-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

hello hello. wenta watch death proof earlier on. pulp fiction, classic. the show has probably recieved a lot of critics but to me it's a pretty awesome film. the dialogues are very lengthy though. and there wasn't much scenes involved as everything was pretty draggy. but i still like it nevertheless. the ending was the best, it like compensated for the first three-quarter of the show which were pretty plain. and the soundtracks were the best. hah. it's so gonna be on my itunes.

ok. bye bye.

2007-06-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

i have just only realised that i haven't been updating here for quite a bit. only because things have been rather mandatory and there isn't much to pen down about.

this weekend will be my last week workin. i'm quite glad that it's all ending. the two aunties(who are rivals of each other) are incorrigibly childish. i hate to stay around them cuz they always come up to me and talk bad about each other.

and my sister's the stupidest bitch i've ever inhabited with. she fuckin broke my locker again. i wish i could wring her on her neck so tight her eyes fall out.

i'm tired. i should go get a shower now.

2007-06-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

i wish she could just shut her trap up. and go relearn her english or sumfin. and probably start to grow up. or not, cease her own good-for-nothing existance. anyone who hears about the story would probably convulse in anger and wish they could swat that moronic head of hers.

firstly, she goes around telling EVERYONE(i really mean everyone) she knows about her 'affliction' and all-overs with her failed relationship. and the fact that she was telling everyone about it and neither me nor ryk told anyone about our side of our story, it made us look like scums because people could only hear from her side.

secondly. she's a big fat poseur with photoshopped face on pictures. please, don't be decieved by the pictures.

thirdly, her command in her english is horrendous. but that's not really the point. the point is that, she tries to look as if she's good in english by using all the profound words that she's probably found from thesaurus, but yet, not make any sense in her words at all. really, i've spoken to her before and her english sucks a major degree.

third and a halfly, now she's gettin help from her friend to edit her grammatical and vocabulary errors so that neither of us will poke fun at her english anymore.

fourthly, she's trying to gain sympathy from everyone around her.

fifthly, she doesn't use her brains.

sixth, if she reads this, she has more to tell the people around what a sore i am again, and what a poor lil thing she is.

seventhly, i'm just speaking the facts, nothing but the pure truth.

2007-06-01T00:34:00.000-07:00

tuesday could have been our second anniversary. everything that happened a year back exactly on this day i can still remember clearly. we met up for our monthly celebration. both of us didn't have much money on that day, so we decided to go on a thrifty meal at subway instead. went for a smoke after a meal, and as we talked, the topic of a break up was brought up. it wasn't out of a haste. we both knew it was coming, you were not hesitant on it, whilst i was just dreading the moment to come. that was the day i fell apart.

and so i had gone through a shitty year after that, even until today. nothing has ever been harder than living without you here.

and i cried when you called today, because i've missed you terribly so.

2007-05-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

hello hello. i'd be working down at causeway point's watsons store for the coming 5 weekends (friday, saturday, sunday), to promote the new nivea deodorant. please come down and buy deodorant from me because the deodorants are friendly and nice and when i manage to sell 101 of them i get an extra hundred bucks. hahaha.. thank you.

2007-05-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

dragonforced with ryk and russell on sunday, met a couple of others as well. i was only tall enough to smell the armpits of the people around me, but nevertheless i enjoyed the concert very much. herman li is the yeah, haha, largely because he's a chinaman.

my sis is a motard. she steals all my stuffs. she breaks into my locker every night. sigh. i'm sad.

whoever it is that's telling ard all the untrue shit about june-related thingamajigs, please, get a life and grow up instead of making stories of your own and spreading it around like it's real. dammit.

2007-05-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

"i want you to know this first, me and june are over.."
10.05.07 1949h

ich vermisse dich viel. ich denke an dich täglich. aber alles ist zur falschen Zeit hereingekommen..

i never saw that comin, not so soon at least. i'm really glad for him, but i don't know how to feel for myself.

well june, the long overdue break up has finally been done. i dunno what made you finally decide that holding on will not work out anymore, but i'm smiling for the fact that you have lost this so-called "game" that you've always thought you were playing. and i do know that u haven't stop stabbin me from my back and deryk's, but fuck yeah, now i REALLY don't give a flying fuck anymore. hah. bye bye you.

hahahahah.. now this is funny. go to google map, click on get directions, then u'd see two boxes next to each other, the first one you type "london", then the right one type "new york" click enter and when u've got there, read step 37. google is awesome. hah.

rome taught me how to be a pillion today.

2007-05-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

i hate the voices in my head. they made me do crazy stuffs like getting a hideous haircut. not only do i look undesirable now, i look quite detestable as well. sigh.

heaven knows i'm miserable now.

lalalalalalalalalalala...

2007-05-02T01:48:00.000-07:00

why are there so many things that i want to do. i wish i can run my life on rechargeable batteries. i never seem to have enough time for rest, or slumber.

the atm machine at wisma retained my card today. motherfuck.

and i think spiderman3 is overrated.

2007-04-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

hoyeah. i'm goin to the dragonforce concert :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

2007-04-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

24th April 2007
rest in peace, Batman.
shortly less than a year after Wonderwoman's tragic death, you passed away. i feel more grieved than when wonderwoman died(it's supposed to be the otherwise, cuz i like wonderwoman more than i like you), perhaps because my only other hamster(you, batman) is gone as well. i never got a chance to hold you much, because your a roborovski and you scuddle fast. gah fuck. i just hope you get reunited up there with wonderwoman and have lots of good fucks, cuz you were a lonely and sex-deprived hamster since her death. sigh. ryk got those hamsters for me. i am sad. :(

2007-04-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

nothing pays. i've put down my pride and stepped back a distance, but she wouldn't budge. she wouldn't stop. but i won't give a flying fuck, because she's just another piece of nothing but disgusting slab of decaying meat to me.

everything will backfire for you one day. and during then, i'd be smirkin in a corner watchin you die the slowest death.

2007-04-20T23:31:00.001-07:00

it's really hard for me to bring this up, but i'm really short on cash such that i haven't gotten enough for my meals. just wondering if u've started to save up to pay me back yet :(

anyways, thank god for weekends. i got enough sleep last night :D

2007-04-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

school's a bitch. tsk tsk.

anyways, rest in peace, cho seung-hui.

and just for a record here, i stole a wheely hair two nights ago. hoyeah.

2007-04-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

typing with a cast around my forearm on the laptop is hard. i keep gettin typo errors. showering later will be harder. haha. i should stick some spikes on so that i can mosh with it or sumfin. plaster of paris. the plaster that came from paris. no, actually i don't know where it came from.

http://www.friendster.com/muahahaaa
this is my sister's friendster account. she's 13 years old. she types like how her ah lian friends type like. some of the captions of her photos are strangely funny. on her main display pic, she is wearing my cardigan. and she didn't ask me. she took everything without my knowledge. no wonder i've been havin mysterious cases of lost items lately. and it makes me sad.

i'm sleepy.

2007-04-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

i should have known well enough from the Start. why didn't i.

2007-04-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

If you, if you could return
Dont let it burn, dont let it fade
Im sure Im not being rude
But its just your attitude
Its tearing me apart
Its ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldnt be so confused
And I wouldnt feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

2007-04-13T03:15:00.000-07:00

10 months and counting. the love we've shared was like no other. and i cannot possibly find it back again, ever. how cruel, that someone so dear has been taken away from me. how bitter, that time allows the affliction not to cease, but only to grow. how crude, that i can only pretend that i'm feeling all better, in hopes that some light can be shed upon me each single day. how sad, that i cannot ever find happiness back again.

2007-04-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

hi. 5 more days before i get back to school again.

this holiday is fantabulous. thanks to many.

but i still can't get enough of the fun.

anyone wants to go to a gig with me tmr? gas haus. i could get him to put you on the guest list so you wont have to pay to get in. heh.

GODDAMMIT. ryk just called saying he got the dragonforce tix plus a free cd. dammit. if only i got money. i don't think i'd have the money soon enough to get the tix with the free cd. motherfuck. mothermotherfuck.

ok, bye

2007-04-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

bu.lu.bu.lu [boo.loo.boo.loo]
adjective bu.lu.ier, bu.lu.iest
related forms bu.lu.i.ness
1. Fucked up hairy monster commonly known as The DemonLord
2. Consisting or resembling of being hairy
3. Informal
a. Causing anxiety or fright to people whom he chooses to cause anxiety or fright to
b. full of shit, often which makes delilah's day good
4. Drinks Bredda but when it comes to delilah, he drinks Carlsberg
5. An Awesome piece of shit

hah, sorry, i just felt like doing it. met bulubulu earlier on. had a drink and now i'm a lil bit high. well i'm still sober i swear. hah.

well, it's time to make a tribute to the few people who hold a certain importance to my life. i know i don't treasure life like most people do, so i'd just take this chance to say things before i die and don't get an opportunity to do it. hah.

1. Joseph - The greatest friend. I can't live without you and i swear it's true. You're the sole person who's keeping me alive now.
2. DemonLord- Your a true friend who often makes my day. It's not been long, but i know you're always there, and i will be too.
3. Justin- You're probably surprised that you're name's stated here. I've never forgotten about the things we said to each other and the promises we've made. We have so much in common, and i hope we'd make it somewhere somehow, together, one day.
4. Rome- I don't know why you're here. I think we haven't met up enough in the recent and i miss you quite terribly.
5. Siree- Well, the closest female friend i have. I love you. Be happy, and i'd be happy too.
6. Deryk- Your prolly never gonna read this, but fuck it. i love you, and i know the future seems bleak, but i hope we'd be happy someday, whether with both of us or just one of us on board.
7. Delilah- your great, i find that you're like the greatest person on earth. i wish u'd hold on to your life more dearly, and i know you're gonna be happy someday. you're smart enough to survive everything. nothing shall bring you down. i love you delilah, from the bottom of my heart
8. ok, i'm startin to get too stoned. if i remember anymore, i'd update.

rar. i'm sooooooooooo gone.

2007-04-09T05:09:00.000-07:00

hoyeah. anyone'd like to treat me to dragon fuckin force? no? i mean i'd like be eternally grateful to you and worship you like how i worship clayton.

why am i still up at this unearthly hour.

i'm listenin to deep purple, and the last person(bulubulu) alive on msn has gone to bed already.

think i'm gonna go watch american pie 5 now. hah. rarrrrrrr.

i say fuck authority
silent majority
raised by the system
now it's time to rise against them
fuck, this song is fuckin awesome.

2007-04-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

last night was awesome. ok actually the whole of yesterday was. i never knew two person could have THAT MUCH fun together, doin the dumbest things we could possibly think of.

hm, and bad obsession was great last night.

ok, so i guess i'd be diggin into family guy, southpark, friends, and fast food nation today.

oh how i miss my toaster boy.

2007-04-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

hell o hell o. it's wednesday. i'm deprived of sleep and rest. hah. i'm so stoned and gone. rar.

last night was fun, you know. haha. but i'm too stoned to talk about it.

sigh. i need a fag badly.

and i'm stoned. stoned.

and i hate ryk. he's a dick. i wish he gets leprosy.

2007-04-03T02:51:00.000-07:00

oh helloooo. today has been good. met up with gg girl and demonlord in the morning and we went over to gg girl's place and had vodka. hah. gg girl slept soon after followed by the demonlord and i, cuz we all haven't slept the night before. oh and have i mentioned before that im quite scared of gg girl's mum. hah. tsk tsk.

so anywhos i woke up later and wanted to leave the place already then demonlord woke up and said he wanted to leave as well so we left together. he treated me to Pathfinder. quite a neat show. the vikings looked awesome. hahahahaha. omg, and we had beer before the show started.

aiights, so we parted after the movie and i met jon after that. goddammit. he did something really nice. so nice i don't think anyone has done something like that for me before, because the rush of emotions that came with it was something i've never experienced before. gawd. i was really touched. this feelin will stay with me for a long time.

alrighteys. meetin dong and merv later at 12. gotta get to bed real soon.. later

2007-04-01T00:44:00.000-07:00

oh i just feel like tearing myself apart. i withdrew the last sum of money from the atm which was supposed to last me for the rest of the month and i fuckin lost it somewhere. prolly dropped out of my pocket whilst i was takin out my ezlink card. goddammit. goddammit. goddammit. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. now i'm just thinkin of what i can possibly do with zero cent in my pocket. omfg the thought of it is horrible. terrible terrible terrible. #%^$#$(@)$^$%&_*^(*#%@&$&@*%

sigh.

and i realised i haven't been updating for sometime. because things are pretty much the same. got to see ryk today. and vin won't return me my eyeliner. i feel like tearing his arse apart.

actually, there is no mood to pen down anymore thoughts already. gahhhh

to end off, please donate to the Gracey-Needs-Money-Because-She-Has-None-So-Please-Donate-Some-To-Her-Funds.
POSB Savings Account: 068-63107-6
Email/MSN: gracey4eva@hotmail.com to find out other ways of transaction
Any amount is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

2007-03-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

oh just how would you feel, when everytime he points a gun to your head, fires a shot, and then tell you not to die after that.

2007-03-26T04:46:00.000-07:00

won't you spare me a new lease of life

2007-03-22T01:04:00.000-07:00

two engagements, concurrently. D and J, and J and J, all four, different people respectively. the reason for it is G, but G is not to be involved in the battleship. she's supposed to sit down here, and wait for the news to roll in, either before dawn, or after.

she's feelin quite frantic and overwrought now, forgive her, if her words don't make a bit of sense to you.

2007-03-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

oh lord, would something just kill me. i'm just a mere existence with nothin to impell me to move forward, every part of me sullied by this society. what am i left with? face down in dirt.

hello you, the one i saw in the bus today, the one who's reading this right now. it's good to see you again, it's been so long. though just a short while, when i looked into your eyes, you gave me a feeling like your someone special, and indeed you are.

2007-03-20T02:47:00.000-07:00

whoo hooo.. madness madness.. i've been given no option but to stop contactin jon and joseph. fuck yeah. life is great.

and if you truly get what i mean, i feel like tearing myself apart.

i'm speechless already.. utterly speechless

2007-03-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

last night was awesome. i couldnt believe i actually showed up.. hah! omfg.

soap invited me to his friend's 18th birthday party, so yeah, the house was fuckin huge and nice with big pool and bands playing.. and the alcohol was damned good as well.. and so are the people there. whooo hoooooooooo

and i banged myself into the glass door and the bridge of my nose and ma lips are swollen now. i could have ended up in a coma if joel hadnt supported my head when i fell. hah! omfg, i made a fool of myself. but i still love alcohol, nevertheless.

2007-03-17T02:49:00.000-07:00

attachment's over. finally the long awaited holidays i've anticipated for.

eski bar is an awesome place. everyone should go there. hah. had too much to drink so i puked, last night(i gagged myself with ma hands to vomit the shit out btw, and i swear i puked like merlion spittin out water) and vin had to clean up the mess on me. hahahahaha.. alright.

so i'd either cut my hair short, if not shorter this holiday.. i'm still deciding

2007-03-14T01:17:00.000-07:00

and so it's been decided that i should live this life for myself. i shouldn't be pushed around all the time. i shouldn't give you the pleasure of manipulating the situation. i shouldn't be a stupid anymore. and i should really punch you right in the eye, for a great part of my life has been wasted on you. if i could, i wish i can break your nose too.

i'm moving on without you this time. i know it's not goin to be easy, and i'd need to depend on my friends a lot. but yeah, anything just to get over you.

to my bittersweet romance, i wish you happiness. i know you're gonna regret all the things you've done to me soon, because i just know. i have always been there. i had your back all the time. no matter what happen, i was there for you. but i never got back the same. in fact, i didn't get back anything at all. i was just the fool, the used, the worn and the battered.

this is the end of heartache.

2007-03-13T02:33:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry i have to make my entries all so depressed sounding. this is prolly the only place where i can make my feelings known.

it's the 8th month already. i've lost even the slightest rememberence of the taste of feeling alive already.

i can only make myself think about the past, to make myself mad at you, so that i don't have to feel so much for you.

2007-03-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

i've tried, i ignored your calls and didn't reply to your messages. it doesn't seem to help. i don't know why you're so bothered and concerned about my life and the people around me, and i refuse to answer to your questions. i saw the 'testimonials' she gave you on friendster. idk if she gave you so many to spike me, or she really meant it. i'd never forget the damage you've done to me just to save your own sorry ass.

i feel so alone and forlorned. and you'll never fill in this void in my heart.

2007-03-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

"i've got to go, she's going to reach soon, and she can't see you" he said.
"yeah, i know" she answered.
"why don't you hang around here for about 15 minutes, by then she and i will be gone and we wont clash into each other. she'd question me if she sees you"
"alright, you better get going then" she told him. her heart was screaming for him to stay.
they hugged tightly. he kissed her on the head. her heart began to bleed. her life force leaving her body. her face flushed an instant red, eyes swelled in tears.
"we'd meet up soon" he said, as they released each other from the embrace. she knows they're never gonna meet up soon. it'll be another blue moon that they'd get the chance to see each other again. she shaded her teary eyes with her fringe, and covered the rest of her face with her hand as-if she's gonna cough, so that he can't see her crying. he waved his hand tellin her goodbye, she waved back low, tellin him not to go. they turned in opposite direction and walked off. she wanted to die that instant.

2007-02-27T00:39:00.000-08:00

i was talkin to joseph. he's one of a kind, a kind like me. who doesn't appreciate life, who just want to die. i'd like to declare, that if he shall die one day, i won't want to live as well. because he's the first to TRULY understand how i feel, because other people don't. they pass off cliche remarks expecting us to feel enlightened out of it.. the only thing that's is keepin me alive is all the duties i have. the people i care for. and all the bloody issues, i'd like to see what will come out of it. it's not gettin any better, but i'd really like to see. i want to live to the point where the agony in my subconsiousness surface right out, then i'd go and die, to the point where i feel like i'm goin to explode if i continue to stay here. it's really hard to keep myself alive right now. shall i die one day, you know i'd die in bliss..

no, i'm not an emo, i'm just chronically depressed.

2007-02-25T13:55:00.000-08:00

would you take a lil time to understand the things happening around me. everything's goin against my wishes. i'm just a helpless piece of shit sittin curled up somewhere and givin everyone the advantage of kickin and pushin me around.

i want to live this life for myself. i want to make choices. and i tried. all that was returned were even more misunderstandings and hostility.

i probably should give up already. i'm buying prozac today.

2007-02-24T22:12:00.000-08:00

what the fuck is wrong with everyone. everyone should just go and die. if i could i'd begin a massacre and deplete the entire human race. i'd take everyone to the depths of their souls and let them burn in hell. motherfuckin cheebye.

i wish i could die. i just need something to kill me. i need a huge truck to crash me down and smash me with its wheels, or someone to stab me repeatedly at every inch of my body. or fuck, just take a gun and shoot me down. god dammit.

there are so many things i can't say, and so little i can do. it's so maddening tellin yourself that things will get better, when only it gets worse every fuckin single time. wtf. it's been for 7 fuckin months god dammit.

i wish i dont have to give a flying fuck for everything at all.

2007-02-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

right down inside im in a huge frenzy, and i'm trying hard not to show it on the outside, because u'd think im mad. it's crazy. i can't believe last night just happened like that. i didn't know where i've picked up the courage from to say all these to you. i really don't like things to turn out this way, but it has to.

it's hard for me to accept that things have to end this way.. out of unwillingness and zero option..

2007-02-20T13:16:00.000-08:00

it sickens me to the core to know the way things are between us. nothing's goin on right in my life, and im sure you know it too, and the least that you can do for me is not to behave like the way you are towards me.

this song contrues how i feel..

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

2007-02-16T16:49:00.000-08:00

hello hello.. season's greetings.

it's raining. motherfuck. i can't get out of the house. tsk tsk.

and i quite feel like dying because i haven't gotten enough sleep, as usual..

and i love the slayer tshirt dammit.

i'm feelin inane. this is such a senseless entry.

Self Absorbed
Chancre Sore
Love You Like A Matador
Life Is Just A Metaphor
Nothing's Fair
Love Is War
Nothing More
Love You Like A Matador
Nothing More

2007-02-14T01:42:00.000-08:00

i'm gettin the bad feelin all over me. i wouldn't like to explain why, because i don't want to conclude things out of mere assumptions.

In my life
why do I give valuable time
to people who don't care if I live or die

In my life
why do I smile
at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye

Heaven knows I'm miserable now..

sure, you can use me to fall back on, but don't take me for granted, just don't push it too far..

happy valentine's day, by the way..

2007-02-13T00:52:00.000-08:00

honnêtement parlant, je suis profondément affecté par tout qui s'est produit. j'agis comme je ne m'inquiète pas, seulement parce que je ne veux pas apparaître comme un perdant. je ne sais pas que ce que j'ai fait pour mériter ce que j'ai recieved, le soin des personnes i pour, me laisser vers le bas.

lawl, no, i don't learn french, neither do i understand it.

2007-02-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

i was at vintage bar last night. fuckin hell. it's an awesome place with all the good music playing. i should have known of this place earlier. hah.

and so i got pissed drunk and passed out in the toilet and yang found me there. i dropped my phone in the toilet bowl so now it's pretty much useless. and right now i have to use my old, mouldy phone. dammit.

and after all the alcohol we went to some place i cant remember and smoked shisha with yang's shisha pipe. hah.. shi sha shi sha..

it was a pretty eventful night. rar.

2007-02-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

fuck! you sold me out. dammit. i want to tear your bloody ass open right NOW. bloody hell. i can't believe it. first you busted ryk, then hetty, then me. you totally ripped off my idea of putting ville valo's belly tattoo on my back! omfg. i wouldn't have found out about it if not for ryk. you fuckin change your mind about that this very millisecond and ink something different from valo's belly else i'd fuckin rip your limbs off your sorry torso.

i hate you. and you call me a poseur for havin an identical tattoo as valo? fuckin hell. i don't see anything wrong with havin valo's belly on my back, dammit. i'd never share my ideas with you anymore.

rar you stupid cunt.

ok i feel better now.

2007-02-08T00:25:00.000-08:00

i'd always liked to believe that things will eventually turn out for the better, and try to stay upbeat about all the shitty thingamajigs that's been goin on in my past and present life, but there's actually a breaking point to all things. there's only so much a person can handle.

things are not gettin better. and they probably won't be for quite a long time. it's the same old people. it's like, they're the closest friends to me, but yet they're the ones giving rise to all the problems. i'd like to admit that i can't really live off by myself without them. i think i'd die. so i just stay on and get scourged repeatedly just to stay alive. it's a vicious cycle, an endless loop of calamity that i will never know the ending of.

right now all i could really make use of is a true friend and good ciggarettes. thanks.

2007-02-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

i'm listenin to Tears Of Ice by stratovarius. it's like the saddest song ever. it makes me feel depressed. dammit.

been awake for 34hours at least. and i still feel quite alright actually. i think i might have conditioned my body to function this way already. wakakakkaka.. whooot! i'm omnipotent, dammit.

2007-02-02T23:56:00.000-08:00

hello hello hello. happy weekends ya'll.

me went out wit vin deryk shaun and justin earlier on. apparently shaun and justin haven't met or seen me for more than a year.. so we were chatting like normal until..

justin(pointing to me): eh deryk, she looks like grace lehs
deryk&vin&i(stunned): --silence--15 seconds--
vin&deryk(thinkin it was sarcasm): --laugh laugh--
me: haha, yeah, many people say that as well
shaun(apparently thinkin im not grace as well, and thought it was kinda awkward for ryk): eh justin keep your comments to yourself lah
deryk(lookin at me): why don't you tell him yourself
me: i am grace

that's like the biggest joke of the day. or week. tsk tsk. i've changed so much people can't recognise me anymore! whooooooot!

anyways, i've analysed one thing today. that these people cannot co-exist in my presence. because it makes things weird for us all..
1. vin & deryk
2. deryk & june
3. vin & deryk & june
4. june

yes yes yes.. terrible terrible.

2007-02-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

hello. check out the song on the right. i think it's pretty rad. heh..

yes yes yes. the opposite of love is definately not hatred, but indifference..

2007-01-31T23:27:00.000-08:00

hello hello hello. i'm so pooped out. think i'm gonna collapse and die soon..

well anyways, things are pretty much mundane this week. except for the part where i pierced my own webbie when i felt bored one night. oh, and i helped siree pierce a smilie ealier on. hah! i'm insane. rahhhhh..

bought a set of barbells yesterday. i think i'm addicted to them. they are oh-so-much-fun and i wanna lift them all the time and i wanna hug them to sleep everynight and i miss them when i'm out. give me two months, and i'd give you a pair of massive, defined biceps! hah! i really AM insane! whooot. slap me someone..

i'm so gone.. tsk tsk.. laters all..

2007-01-28T02:14:00.000-08:00

fuckin hell, this is insane.. i can't believe yang and i just tied two blankets together and climbed out of his house from the windows. fuckin madness. tsk tsk.. was a relief nobody got hurt, cuz i believe i nearly fell forward just now.. hah!

so anyways, my mum's fuckin pissed with me for returning home late. i don't know why, but i'm angry that she's angry with me. she say it like i return home after 12 everyday, when actually it's only on the weekends, friday and saturday. the things she say was as if i was up to no good with my friends outside. like i was commiting atrocity and takin drugs and shit. fuckin dick.. i so wanted to yell and scream at her, but i guess i'd just go cry and smoke in the toilet later to vent out my vexation. i'm so gay i know, i cry easily.. ah fuck it, she'd never be pleased with whatever i do anyways. she'd have to learn to live with it.

ah fuckin hell. i'm still amused by what just happened less than an hour ago.. we fuckin climbed out of the windows and he fuckin climbed back up into his room! motherfuck man.. lol..

2007-01-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

delilah had a haircut and highlighted her hair because she wanted to do something today..

she smoked a lousy pack of fags because she had no luck today..

she took a different route home because she wanted to turn her luck around today..

she's prolly not gonna sleep tonight because there's a project to rush on again..

2007-01-21T14:53:00.000-08:00

friday was one of the worst nights i'd ever had. being out of place. seeing deryk and june together. hearing what deryk had to say, contradicting his words and his actions. spoiling vin's birthday. wanting so much to just run away and never come back. it was horrible. being stabbed repeatedly right through the heart the whole night but not being able to do a single thing about it.

the next day didn't turn out any better. i confessed myself to vin, broke the fragile heart, makin me feel like an asshole. oh god. i really should start to stay out of their lives. everyone's so miserable.

and i dont know how to go about dealing with yang and i. fuck. fuckin dick. fuckin hell. fuckin shit. thinkin about this makes my mind fry. it's silly, i dont know how things can actually turn out this way. now i'm just hanging in the middle of nowhere. heading nowhere, going nowhere.

there's an empty space in my chest.. where my heart once sat..

2007-01-15T23:24:00.000-08:00

such a crazy lil world. what's comin to everyone these days.

jali's been a motherfucker since we broke up. that fuckin piece of loser dick. i so feel like bitch slappin him. he's gone all hysterical makin up stories of his own and tellin people what a slut/bitch i am. damn it. if you'd seen the conversations between him and friends, you'd wanna fuckin kick that hairy ass for me too.

and then nothin seems to stop haunting me.. the thoughts pester me through day and night, in and out of sleep, couldnt think of anything else but this.. that is, june, deryk, vin, yang, and myself. nothing's right, my life's gone all wrong..

and i know you guz are all judgin me now, just because i've been depressed for so long. live one day in my shoe and maybe you'd start to realise why it's all getting to me.

life's like a dick, it gets hard..

i just wanna collapse and die..

2007-01-15T00:50:00.000-08:00

hey. as known, this dramatic life of mine, has reached it's climax this weekend. fuckin hell.

june and i met up to talk. and with the rest as well. i don't know why i can't be spared from it all, but once immediately something's settled, another commotion comes about. now not only relationships are troubled, friendships' pulled into the scene as well. i'm killed again.

too much tears and sweat has been shed. i just wanna go down on my knees and beg to be pardoned from it all.

and what's comin out of yang and i, i don't know. there's just too much goin on in my head at the same time. my brains are fried. tsk tsk..

and i haven't slept since last night. so i can't make much sense to you as to what i've been typing.

im gonna die repeatedly on the bed later.

2007-01-13T03:53:00.000-08:00

it's so fucked up. why are things goin on this way. fucked up.. too fucked up..

me broke up wit jali if you haven't already know. he's feelin fucked up, and so am i. he's throwin all the words like 'fuck' and all at me. deryk still has feelings for me, and his girlfriend is hysterical and crazy and whatever that can describe madness.. deryk's best friend likes me, and most importantly, yang and i are really troubled over what i'm goin through with him now..

my life's fucked.

oh god, spare me.. i've been dying on the inside for so long. i'm crushed..

2007-01-08T10:22:00.000-08:00

dear you. you told me not to reply her anymore. i promise you that the message i sent just now will be my last. you told me you're tired of the mess that's been created, and the demise it's become. i'm ashamed about it too.

i ACTUALLY did got over this issue yesterday morning. till you, your girlfriend, and andy raked about this whole damn thing again.

i'm hurting, dude. i've been hurting for so long i can't remember when it started already. i've been hurting because i want you to be happy with her. i've been hurting because yes, i still have a soft spot for you. i've been hurting because you keep comin back to me i got no where to run to. i've been hurting because you told me that the song you want me to hear was Lips Of An Angel cuz that's what you wanted to tell me. i've been hurting because everytime i i want to let go, you cling on. i'm hurting because your girlfriend misunderstood me so badly, badly. i'm hurting because there's no one else to turn to except you. i'm hurting because of you.

dude, i just want to fuck this friendship with you and move on. but andy said i'd regret it one day if i do. tell me what to do.

look at me in the eyes. tell me if i look any bit happy at all.

you told me i've been losin weight. i just said i'm growing that's all. fuck, i'm in this fuckin state because of you dude! i'd rather be chubby and happy like how i used to be, not like this.

it's all because of you.. gawd. i've had enough of life.

Lips Of An Angel
Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

2007-01-07T01:06:00.000-08:00

dude, you're the biggest fuckin dissapointment. what i've seen for myself really made me think back about how foolish i was. i knew i wouldn't cry over some dick like you, but i just did tonight.

don't talk to me about how you've wished for the past to happen again, or even better, don't talk to me ever again. because i don't wanna believe you anymore. you turn to me in times of trouble, and walk out on me when you like it. just take it as im a fuckin silly dimwit to fall for the every single word that slips outta your fuckin mouth..